Garfunkel And Oates - Handjob, Blandjob, I Dont Understand Job

Song Rating: 9.49/10

Song lyrics:

I got a problem and I cant contain it
Ill use my icky sticky rhymes to help explain it
Handy Js are like Stonehenge to me
Robert Stack cant even help me unsolve this mystery

Im the messed up child of a baby boomer
I was in the gifted cla** but a total late bloomer
Now I got a secret to get off my chest
Went from kissing to s** but never learned the rest

In high school, I was in the marching band
Not learning what to do with my hand
While other girls were dripping like a Jackson Pollock
I blossomed later than Mayim Bialik

Im investigating bones like Deschanel
Trying to make it stand up like Dave Chapelle
When I stare down the barrel of a semi-hard dick
I feel more singled out than Chris Hardwick

I studied Bach, Jacques Chirac, and Isaac Asimov
But I wasnt on the ski bus jerking people off
Wouldnt let you touch my chest like youre Vapo rubbing Vicks in
Let alone deep throat your Tricky Dick Nixon

I wanna learn how to make your Watergates flow
Im resigned like Spiro Agnew that I might never know
How to HJ your LB Johnson
Know less about dicks than Samantha Ronson

I should have explored New Frontiers like Wil Wheaton
But I was more conservative than Alex P. Keaton
Ive fallen into crisis just like the Dow
I wanna give a handjob but I dont know how

Hand job, Bland job
I-Dont-Understand job
Do I spit, do I squeeze, do I ever touch the top?
How can I learn when you always make me stop?

Now Im on a full-blown investigation


To unlock the secrets of ejaculation
I need a translator like Im reading Balzac
To crack the Rosetta Stone over your ball sack

The top is the part that confuses me the most
It looks like a Silly Putty Pac-Man ghost
Sometimes its jello jiggling, sometimes its denser
But they all look like a Darth Vader Pez dispenser

Like Sam Jackson, Im not as good with Shaft
When its soft and flabby like President Taft
Its like a deep south queen that you wanna make straight
Will I make it upright if I move it like a Shake Weight?

Move it like a Shake Weight
Move it like a Shake Weight

Im pumping like brakes that arent anti-lock
Trying not to go psycho on your Alfred Hitchcock
I go a little faster and then I retard
Its like a hamster that you dont wanna squeeze too hard

Im working my hand til it gets arthritis
Ill be holdin til I get the Golden Touch of Midas
I think, therefore I am; getting my Descartes on
Til I fully comprehend your Marcia Gay Hard-on

But the biggest, throbbing question of alls
Seriously, what do you do with the balls?
Do I roll em like dice, do I mold them like clay
Do I tickle them like Elmo, or throw em like a partay?

Do I move em all around or cup it slow?
Theyre the two bald critic puppets from the Muppet show
Just sitting there cranky and superfluous
How bout I dont touch them unless you insist?

Hand job, Bland job
I-Dont-Understand job
Do I spit, do I squeeze, do I ever touch the top?
How can I learn when you always make me stop?
How can I learn when you always make me stop?

Date of text publication: 17.01.2021 at 17:36